You walk into a massive store in search of one tiny little item that could be discovered amongst any one of tens of thousands of items. How many aisles do you wander down before you ask for help?
What if you have limited time before you have to be somewhere else? Are you a little quicker to ask?
What if there is an app you can use to search for what you seek – does this make you more likely to seek assistance?
As the school term swiftly marches on, our kids have returned to an environment that is designed to help them discover solutions to what they don’t know. But how many of them struggle through feeling as though they don’t know what to do, where to start or how to manage the many demands that weigh down their little shoulders? How many of them go to the very institution that is designed to help them overcome their natural ignorance and yet feel as though they cannot seek the help they are actually there to receive?
Walking through a crowd of children, it is so common to hear them brag about the tiny bits of information they do know, often seeking to one-up the comment made by the other kids, in some kind of attempt to be the one who knows the most. Sometimes it feels as though curiosity has been silenced in favour of avoiding the shame of not knowing something (or everything).
If you’re anything like me, perhaps you hear stories at the dinner table of a frustrated child who was reprimanded for a task they couldn’t complete because they didn’t understand the instructions, and yet felt as though they were unable to seek the assistance they needed. Perhaps they found other ways of seeking to solicit assistance or communicate their need for help without directly asking because they had been made to feel ashamed for asking. Perhaps they had developed unrealistic expectations of themselves for what they felt they should know, or (worse yet) had perceived an unspoken expectation from us about what they thought we thought they should know, say or do, and felt as though they were failing just by not knowing.
We find that many new campers experience an enormous amount of uncertainty about what they will experience when they come to Camp. Perhaps the arrival is not so bad – they can navigate that with a parent or guardian dropping them off. Perhaps heading down to their cabin is manageable, having been introduced to their cabin leader and being guided to just the right spot, and being given assistance to make the numerous little decisions of where to go, where to sleep, when to set up their bedding. But what about a few hours down the track when they need to go to the toilet and can’t remember where it is? Or when they get hungry between meals but don’t know when the next meal is coming or how to source an emergency snack?
As parents and caregivers, how can we help our kids navigate the space between where they’re at and what they don’t yet know? And how can we set a good example of how to seek a solution to a problem we didn’t even know we were going to face?
Here are a few things we’ve learned over the many years of helping new campers settle in to a new, and potentially intimidating, environment.
1. Foster connections.
Perhaps the most important first step is to help the child develop a close connection with the people who can provide the answers to their questions. The deeper this connection, the more likely the child is to ask for help. At camp we always have two cabin leaders who are in and with the cabin group at all times. This means that each camper has a small, set group of people they interact with throughout the camp which gives them optimal opportunity to build connections and therefore give them the confidence to ask for the support that they need. This often allows them the space to talk about difficult situations they face in everyday life as well as at camp, and gives us the opportunity to provide them with support and guidance for seeking ongoing help at home as well. Perhaps at home this could mean working with the child to seek a greater understanding and connection with a teacher they don’t get along with very well, or a student they are having trouble with.
Deeper connections with others provides confidence and freedom to be able to ask for help.
2. Create consistency
Routines have long been acknowledged by child and education professionals as critically important to a child. Having an agreed process that is predictable to a child allows them a greater degree of certainty as it takes certain questions and difficulties off the table. For example, a predictable routine of dropping a child off in a new space allows them to anticipate what is going to happen next, which can reduce the amount of anxiety they may feel about what they don’t yet know. We find that if a camper knows that a parent or guardian will be there with them until they meet their cabin leader, they don’t have to deal with the uncertainty of when they will have to say goodbye, or worry that their parent or guardian may leave suddenly or unexpectedly. At school, this might involve a set routine of what being dropped off at school looks like, including what time we leave home, specific questions we might ask in the car, or a special way we say goodbye and communicate when we will see each other again.
Agreed processes allow a child the certainty of knowing what will happen and when, as well as reduceing the anxiety associated with anticipating unexpected challenges.
3. Cultivate curiosity
As adults who want the best for our kids, it can be easy to want to give them all the information they need in the hopes that we will prevent them from being in a situation where they are left uninformed. Sometimes it seems as though the art of asking great questions is one that has been lost, yet it is a powerful tool for cultivating the ability for kids to be confident in asking for help. Remembering that they learn from what we do more than they learn from what we say, it can be helpful to ask an anxious child what they have done in previous situations that helped them to cope. This reminds them that they have overcome these fears before, giving them greater confidence that they can do so again. It also provides helpful information for how others around them can provide support in the current situation, ensuring that the assistance provided is actually helpful to the child. Asking a child for their opinion about a situation that you face as an adult also helps them realise that they are not the only ones that face such situations, and sets the example of being willing to ask questions or seek advice from others. And who knows, they just might have some wisdom that surprises you!
Ask a child to reflect on a previous situation where they were able to overcome their uncertainty or seek appropriate assistance to help them remember a positive outcome as well as setting an example of cultivating curiosity.
4. Pursuing the ‘r’ word
It seems that the word ‘resilience’ has been more and more prevalent in the last years, but it can be hard for us, as adults, to remember the process of how we have personally build resilience. Perhaps it comes out in the stories we love to tell of the ridiculous things we did as kids, or in moments of reflection of how we have overcome obstacles that, in the moment, seemed insurmountable. Resilience is absolutely critical in helping us to face the inevitable challenges of life, however it is an unfortunate reality that there is no way to learn it except to persevere through difficulties. We all know it is true, but if it is true for us then it is equally true for our kids. The only way they can build resilience, and therefore the confidence to face future challenges bravely, is to learn healthy ways of facing challenges. Therefore our job, as adults, is not to prevent them from ever facing challenges but to guide them in building their skills in how they do this well.
When a child faces a difficulty, resist the urge to shelter them from it and seek ways to support them in tackling it in a healthy way.
Camps provide an excellent opportunity for kids to develop these life skills that will transfer into all aspects of life as they grow up. The connections and experiences they encounter develop an incredible confidence and resilience, and often this allows them the opportunity to extend their new skills into issues they may face at school or with friends.
Are you new to camp?
We can help! If you would like to know more about what we can do before a camp to help your child overcome their uncertainties, please let us know. Also, if you have great ideas about how to help a child learn to ask for help, send us a message as we would love to pass these ideas on to others who are asking the same questions.
We can’t wait to see you at camp soon!